Grunt – 7 Augustus 2013

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There is no end to human ingenuity, especially when it comes to nefarious activities, activities to which the human species seems irresistibly attracted. So I was quite interested to read about a pair of criminals who had come up with a distinctly ingenious way of executing suburban robberies, even when – and here’s the crunch – the person being robbed was actually on his own premises. You’ll have noticed that I said “his” and not the more politically correct, “his/hers”, and for good reason.
The thieving couple were a man-and-wife team plundering the affluent neighbourhoods where they lived. Their modus operandi was exquisitely simply, relying mainly on hormones rather than any particular criminal skill. They would scout out the rich houses when the predominantly male owners were out. In America that’s hardly an arduous task; I mean, you can walk right up to the front door. One thing the police noticed about the pair’s MO: they robbed only houses with swimming pools. The victim’s swimming pool was an accomplice? Yes, indeed.
While the husband made his way around the back of the house as surreptitiously as feasible, the wife would quite brazenly make her way to the swimming pool, where she would strip down to her birthday suit and take the plunge. Obviously, the sound of an uninvited guest diving into your swimming pool would attract your attention. When the owner arrived at the pool, the wife would put her ample assets on display, encouraging the owner to come skinny-dipping with her. When the hormones took over, reason flew out the owner’s mind. With an inviting female naked in the pool, how many men are going stay rational and ask her exactly what she’s doing there? She even became quite affectionate when circumstances demanded. Once hubby was away with the loot, she would disentangle herself from the situation, apologise profusely for any inconvenience, and quietly walk away, leaving a false name, cell number, and perhaps even some raised – how shall I put it? – hopes.
Then, one sad day, this suburban mermaid and partner chose the police chief’s house …

TONY ULLYATT