At my age, I believe I’m entitled to be a grumpy old man, if only on occasion. Having worked with the English language in various ways for decades, one of the things that makes me really grumpy is the mis-spelling of words. And ambiguity. And sloppy thinking. They’re everywhere nowadays. In Clarens last weekend, we went to one of the local eateries for supper. Looking at the menu, I found some rather interesting items, including Flavoured Lates (I presume Latté was what they were looking for, although, on the next page, I discovered Flav Latés as some sort of beverage).
Also on offer were Richleu Brandy, Magarita pizzas, and a cool drink named Spite Zero. In the course of our time there, we found another place whose licence – issued by some government authority in Bethlehem – permitted “the preparation and surving of foods”. What was intriguing for me was that the presumed perpetrator had signed the licence. On almost every bill disgorged by those portable card machines that are so frequently dysfunctional, the service we are paying for is defined as food and deserts.
I have this bizarre image of a waiter asking, “What about some desert, sir? Tonight’s specials are Kalahari, Sahara, or Gobi.” That said, I have to acknowledge that, in my life, I have had the misfortune to eat desserts which have tasted dry and gritty.
Then, a day or two after we returned, I saw a sign offering something or other that was custommade – perhaps an exotic sort of marmalade? – while another sign, high up on a lamp-post, used the non-existent word, aquired. And the blight of plurals misusing the apostrophe to create plurals proliferates: pizza’s, taxi’s, even house’s. So, it came as no surprise to find a local newspaper bearing the ambiguous headline: Premier moves to stop crime. The intended meaning is obvious: the Premier is taking measures to reduce crime; the alternative meaning, startlingly irrational: the Premier is relocating, and such a move would lower crime rates. Following that argument, would the abolition of Premierships eradicate crime completely? Welcome to Illiterate-Illogical-Ambiguity-Land!
